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[03 Jan 2008|09:19pm] |
today I cried blue tears
my face burned where the tears had ran
I think theres something horribly
wrong with me
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1 comment|my penis
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| Well, its been awhile since I wrote anything.. |
[05 Dec 2007|04:57am] |
So I figure when the more appropriate time than my long awaited departure from the great south. I can't seem to sleep and really I think I should be laying next to my boy but I just cant stay still, I cant stop kissing his back as I spoon him in his sleep.. I cant stop thinking. I got up and paced around the dark basement for a good while, contemplating trying to sleep again or sit infront of the comforting glow that is TV. Its ironic that time I dread, leaving him I find it hard to spend my last waking hours next to him. The sadness hasnt come on yet like last time. Perhaps its because I believe something will happen again this time, like all the others, preventing me from actually leaving.
I'll miss this place. I had some pretty fucked up times here for how normal the whole get-up is. The house of Jehovah. Never in my life have I experienced being practically in an episode of cops, or being so frightened and ashamed of smoking grass. Or really come face to with a Jehovah who can explain things to me other than trying to sell to me at my doorstep. It was bizarely interesting, prying her with questions and the dramatic debates that would take place around the dinner table with the Jehovah, the devout Christian and the middle man. I'll miss the spoiled brat who I learned to love at certain times and looked up to me strangely and asked me all about my country with the utmost curiosity. An example of how little young Americans are taught of their surroundings. Canada,.. he thinks, a foreign country? Will you take me there someday?
Those dogs who I loved and despised, would follow me to and fro every inch of the house, like pseudo protectors; they couldnt hurt a fly. Who I later discovered were excellent vacuums for undesireable meals. I never had a dog in my life time, so to me, they were it. It really seems like everything here I had built some kind of love-hate relationship with.
I will miss the vanities of purchasing things not sold in my country. Just the small lame things and pointing out their distinct difference between whats sold in Canada; The Corn Pop canundrum. Now its 5:12 and my stomach grumbles. The boy has stirred and gone back to sleep..
Jimmy takes his shower now, like always, everyday.. the same family routine in the morning I have grown so used to. Strange how soothing the sound of water is running through the basement.. Josh taught me this.. I always used to hate basements for this reason. They always get the unwanted things from the rest of the house.. the noises, the appliances.. all tucked away from the rest of the house. Since the drain from the shower runs right over my spiderman tent, I would hear it every morning as I slept or unslept. Why am I so nostagic to these small things..?
I miss Michigan TV, Michigan streets, Michigan weather which is strikingly a lot like our own, an easy addapt. Detroit city and the people I have met while staying here. I'll miss this basement, what has been my home for the past 6 months..
But most of all, Ill miss my boy, who I faught so hard to see, throught the good times and the bad..
and I wonder when Ill see him next.
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my penis
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| short and sweet |
[29 Sep 2007|04:25pm] |
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My day starts at roughly 3-4pm. However, in between the hours of 12pm to 3pm I wake up in several unknown intervals. Waking up out of shame, always when someone walks down the stairs, sitting bolt up right, half asleep .. patting furiously at the ground around me for my pants or a sweater. They've complained before...
"You sleep in WAY to late.. it's really starting to worry us". When I wake up I quickly make one meal before they get home. The meals usually short and sweet, a sandwich perhaps, or a bowl of Corn Pops. Did you know that in the states, Corn Pops aren't crunchy little spheres like they are in Canada, they're little mishapen corn puffs! Yes. Like that other popular cereal... Sugar Crisp? *checks for reference* .. Yeah, thats right.. Sugar Crisp. Plus they come in a weird silver pouch, not a see-through plastic bag. On top of that, their milk is served in gallon jugs, no cartons, no bags. These little difference amuse me and make me wonder .. why do they bother to make them different? Is there some unknown significance?
Anyways, enough about the Corn Pops..
When they get home, that means I cannot go upstairs until dinner time. This isn't an enforced ritual, I do it out of fear and shame. I'm afraid to eat their food, so I only do so while they're gone (which I'm usually not awake for - but sometimes I get lucky), dinner time (mostly) and SOMETIMES when they all go to sleep, which is around 8pm. So really, everyday, I eat at least one meal a day.. two, about 2-3 hours after they go the sleep and very rarely three, if I happen to wake up early enough. Sad thing is, I'm not being tortured, I'm not being starved, I'm starving myself because I'm ashamed and their not totally to go without blame, they hint very subtly that I'm extra weight on the house hold, but in a way thats beaten around the bush, so that there could be no pointing fingers when it comes to mass increased levels of paranoia which are leading to malnourishment. These things weigh too much on my conscience. When I go up for dinner, its awkward again. Not so, so much because I'm being ASKED to eat. Or demanded to, whichever way you look at it. A yell, a command to come forth for it is the evening feasting time.. when the family gathers to sit across from one another, vaguely discussing eachothers day, or getting the 5 year old son to say something cute and then struggle to get some food down his throat. Why are little kids always so un-greatful for the wonderful food and things that are put infront of them ?
Most youngin's I come to encounter have many things than I never had as a child, especially this day and age. Always taken for granted. These people cook this child delicious meals and he would rather take an Alphaghetti or a Chef Boyardee microwavable meal. When he's forced to eat some of what we're having, usually cut up meat up chunks (steak, chicken etc), your side of potatoes, greens, thats kind of thing, .. he'll never finish it and it goes in the trash. I would gladly eat his share, but the way this family swings, Bobby wouldn't eat off his own wifes plate, let alone ME eating off his sons. Sometimes when I'm still hungry enough, I eat whatever hes left there while I'm on kitchen clean up duty. Hey, they don't know about my past of eating out of trashcans, eating from a housebound child's plate hails nothing in comparison to a dumpster or ground scores. One thing that really gets me, is the whole saying a prayer thing. Nothing wrong with it, Although I firmly believe the Christian Faith is a load of tripe, I still have enough respect to go through with these things, not only because I'm a guest, but I have a general acceptance towards all religions alike, mainly from being brought up as a Buddhist (we're told to respect all other religions and practices, even though most religions, in retrospect, don't accept any others). Still, I participate. When dinner is done, Josh and I scurry downstairs back to our bat cave. This is around the time when everyone decides to go to sleep. Bob sleeps on the couch next to the kitchen, he watches 1 of maybe 10 different films each night to help him go to sleep. Either, Star Wars 1, 2 or 3, Jurassic Park 1, 2 or 3.. War of the Worlds, or one of the Die Hard movies. I have dreams about these movies because they are played loud and are on repeat all night long. So it's natural that they should make their ways into my sleep. Now from about 8pm to 5-6am is what I consider wasted time. Time on the computer. World of Warcraft and other internet related junk, followed by a few breaks of sneaking upstairs for a snack, a cigarette outback (and most recently added edition - tokes) or grabbing a beer outta the fridge. When it's about 2am, Jimmy comes down stairs to start his day, as aforementioned in a previous post, this is usually when we have a smoke break, since the dogs go fucking bat shit crazy anytime someone walks up the stairs..
So when Jimmy wakes up it's safe to go because the dogs are already stirred. At around 5am I'm still not tired.. but I force myself to sleep anyways. Waking up at 3 or 4pm the next day again, beginning the same cycle.
All in all though, yesterday was a slight exception. When Josh went to fit in his 3 hour shift at the ol' Timmy Ho-Ho's, I followed with him and mainly read Ishmael for the duration of the time.. then headed to CVS/Pharmacy to develope the last of the trainhopping photos and some from our last Don Valley Parkway excursion. Of course the machine had to break down when it came to our roll of film, so they put our negatives in a sack and told us to to go the nearest developer. So that's that I suppose. The walk home was plucky.
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6 comments|my penis
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| and once you've read my story, which I know you have... |
[25 Sep 2007|03:14pm] |
It was late in the AM. Jimmy had woken up for his usual 2 o'clock in the morning day starter. This is usually my queue to go make something to eat since Jimmy's making noise up there and Bob sleeps in the living room right next to the kitchen. I delve into some leftover spaghetti and when my near midnight feast is done getting nuked, I head back down the basement to hide. Josh comes up to me with the pipe in his hand, I know exactly what to do.
This would be our second time having a late night toke, way to the end of the backyard out of the reach of prying eyes. Right behind the boat, crutched in the shadows, Incognito. After about 5 or so minutes have passed, the bowl is cashed and we're ready to slip back inside to continue watching our television program. "The naked truck driver & T-Bones show". But not before we stop at the door and Josh takes a seat on the steps and gazes at the sky. I look up and watch the clouds pass rapidly (the more I stare at them). It's a gorgeous night; not cold like the others, ... just right and the moon is full and bright like a giant light bulb. "It's funny to think.." I utter, not taking my eyes off the heavens, "that the moon is only bright like this because the sun is reflecting off of it..." I stone out on the clouds some more. Josh doesn't say a thing. We get up instinctively and open the door to head down. "Alright, you go in first.." Josh motions me forward. I comply. Upon reaching the basement, we head for the TV and begin picking up where we left off in this seemingly bizarre show. About 10 minutes later, I hear someone coming down the stairs rather slowly..
It must be Jimmy, I think. He's always comin' down here to get dog food and starting up his laundry. Gerry emerges from the shadows wiping a kleenex to her eyes and grasping the phone in her other hand. "Josh, how much money do you have?". I can feel the tense-ness in the situation about to unfold.. something has happened. This is exactly why Josh will only smoke late at night so that hes assured he doesn't have to deal with situations like these ones. Alas, it has happened. "I don't have that much, leme check... why, whats up??" He goes on rifling through the drawer. I sit transfixed to the spot, the paranoia and sketchyness of the weed vastly creeping up on me. This is why I don't smoke that much anymore.. period. And for once it was feeling like a good high. She had obviously been crying, this makes me uncomfortable... how many times must I see this woman cry?
"Mauro just called me... hes in jail. His bail is 200 and something.. I don't know how much exactly, but hes short 20 dollars..." great tears begin to well up in her eyes all over again. "Are you serious?? What for?!" Josh still digging through the drawer for the lose bills tucked inside. Her voice goes from quiet and solemn to a rising frustration. "HIS STUPID DRUNKENESS" She blurts out. "I-I dunno.. I dont know EXACTLY what he did.." She slightly fumbles for an explaination and can't come up with anything. This is one of those times where I feel very slick, acting as well to my ability not to let a person of some authority, KNOW that I am stoned/drunk/hallucinating etc. I've done it for years, cops, friends parents, MY parents (before they accepted the fact). It's ok... I thought to myself. She doesn't know.. I'm not acting sketchy, niether is Josh..it's cool. I don't wanna upset her, I'm already on thin ice as it is.. I'm still feeling squirmish, sitting there watching her cry while the search persists longer than needed. Why won't this end?
"I have 12 dollars.. that's it" Josh says finally raising a hand of crumpled bills, all he's worth. She takes them and is about to walk away. "Oh yeah.." she turns back "where did you guys smoke that marijuana?" This triggers more water works. "Oh gosh.. mum.. where do you think?" I can tell hes embarrassed.. IM in embarrassed and I don't even have to to do the talking. "It's not like we had anywhere else to smoke.."
"Please... PLEASE guys.. c'mon.. don't smoke.. it'll.." She goes on and on about some important things that are drowned out in a wave of buzzkill I cannot describe. I swallow hard as she dabs her eyes and begins walking away.. still speaking softly of "no more smoking, please.. *sniff sniff* .. please, if Bobby found out.." dabs her eyes again "please change your clothes, open the windows, its STINKS down here" ...
Shwha-? It's not like we smoked DOWN here.. do we really wreak that bad?
We wash our hands, I take Josh's hoodie off and he changes out of his shirt. We then look at eachother in the bathroom mirror, staring back at one another after washing our hands. Then we both explode into nervious laughter and decide to call it a night. Boy, what a night.
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1 comment|my penis
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| Fiasco at the Kingdom Hall |
[11 Sep 2007|02:20pm] |
Yesterday I went to church for my first time ever, Josh's mum invited us to go for their
weekly book reading. We split a pint (mickey, in Canada) of Yukon Jack and a few beers...
We were moderately hammed to say the least. When we pulled up, I could see people emerging
from nice cars, nice atire, books in hand. No sweat, I thought.. as I straighted out my
"Jesus Lizard" clown shirt..
Upon stepping inside I see an array of seats and new faces, people mentally, gussy-ing up
and shaking familiar hands, fake smiles. A black woman in a monotone, tacky flower print
dress greets me..
This is part where I turned into a sketch-ball.. all I could think about was "can she smell
the liqour on my breath ?" I tilt my head at such an angle to avoid her general direction..
Still smiling sweetly the only way I can, while under the influence. Behold!
Another woman appears to the left of me and graps my hand firmly, shaking it and smiling..
"oh no.." I thought, my directions of which I can release my horrendous alcohol ridden
breathing is being narrowed, optionly. Josh suddenly rescues me. "C'mon, we're early, lets
go have a smoke.." He corrals me out the doors and we pearch on this ledge about 50 feet
away from the door. Within moments, a posse of young "brothers" (as Im told theyre called),
approached us, readying their cell phones..
"Excuse me, can we help you??" The tallest of the 4 asks. Blonde hair, blue eyed, suit,
crosses his arms and stares down at us; Kind of like a bully. What Josh repsonded with was
both hilarious and uncalled for..
"Sure, I'd like a big mac..?" The ring leader looks around at his cronies and quietly utters
the words "call the cops" to the one to right..
I can't remember word for word what happened next, except "this is private property" repeated
several times and "my mother is just inside, Gerry, Gerry's my mum..". It was really confusing
to me at the time and very surreal. More from the peanut gallery, a la Josh and angry retorts
from the boys in suits. One man, the eldest who was with them, lighter coloured black man with
glasses gets on his cell and is talking to police as Josh gets up and storms into the Kingdom
Hall, 3 of the boys follow him, inside.. and Im stuck outside with this man. I angrily scoop
up the remains of the crushed, unfinished cigarette and begin darting around looking for a
trash can. I hear the man on the cell describing what I look like. "No.. no, not now, not
NOW.. Im drunk and at a jehovas witness church, not now.. I have no ID, Im staying here ill-
egally..." I stop where I am and head for the door. Locked. I look through the glass and see
the comossion unfolding behind those big glass doors. I get really paranoid.. "they've locked
me out...... what is WRONG with these people?!". I walk around maybe in small uneven circles,
like a tiger being taunted behind the confines of its cage. I walk up the man on the phone..
"Excuse me, why are describing me to the police? I havent done anything!" He non-chelantly
cusps the reciever of his phone and tilts his down at me so that he can see above his glasses.
"Oh, I know you didnt DO anything, but you're his accomplice, you are WITH him.. you can
explain yourself to the police when they get here.." My face probably got all screwed up here
as I realized it was all actually happening. My next notion was, I need to get in the car, I
need to hide in the car, I need to GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. I'll hide in a bush!
There's a park right over there!!
I decide to try for the door again, as I see this man enter through the door on the other side.
I'm inside. Gerry's crying, Josh is yelling at everyone, he's crying as well, this big fat white
man is trying to calm him down. "They're calling the police!" I yelled to josh and Gerry.
"GET in the car!" Gerry orders me, tears pouring down her face. I hate seeing grown people cry.
I promptly turn on my heal and head out to the car, doing a speed walk through the larking lot,
people staring at me rather confused like. I waited there for them to get back.. it was VERY
awkward. Josh and his mum both crying and arguing about all the hallubaloo that occured. I
remember as we drove back, tears welling up in my eyes as I stared at the passing objects out
side my window. I felt very bad for Gerry.. something like that was never supposed to happen..
I didnt know smoking wasn't allowed, dunno if Josh did, I assume he did since hes been there before.
But it doesnt matter, whether it was allowed or not, the way those people handled it, was fucking
ridicoulas and just proves my point further of my distrust for religeon all together..
I gave it a chance, I honestly did.. me and Josh went there with the intentions of being respectful,
participating in not something we fully agree with, but respected enough to partake in their
little "book reading session",.. Im still unclear as to what it was all about - MAY have if they
didnt call the cops on us for something so minute, so TRIVIAL..
I mean sure, maybe Josh was a little out of a hand.. not in the way to be considered a life threat..
his only crime was expressing himself, being a little sarcastic and most of all, standing up to
the evil and ridicoulasness that is Jehova..
On a parting note, I suppose that will be my last and only time going to church.. disappointed it
didnt go as smoothly as it could have gone..
But I believe Josh made a firm statement (with the stirring of the hive) and maybe the lot of them
will think twice when they are confronted with such a situation.
What a cult..
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7 comments|my penis
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| fitter, happier, more productive |
[28 Aug 2007|01:18pm] |
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god moving over the the... |
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Funny to raise sucha notion.. I lack all three.
Comfortable, not drinking too much..
I suppose Im comfortable, I drink too much for my own good.
Regular exercise at the gym, 3 days a week
I barely get out..
Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries at ease
I dont work.
Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats
I fail again.
A patient better driver, a safer car, baby smiling in back seat
if I could afford a car, I wouldnt buy one.
Sleeping well, no bad dreams, no paranoia
No good sleeping patterns as of late.
Careful to all animals, never washing spiders down the plughole
I trap spiders in cups and release them outdoors.
Keep in contact with old friends, enjoy a drink now and then
None of my friends like me anymore.. I enjoy a drink too often.
Will frequently check credit at moral bank, hole in wall
No bank account.
Favors for favors, fond but not in love
Favors for no favors, I fall in love too easy.
Charity standing orders on sundays ring road supermarket
No money to offer.
No killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants
Read above.
Car wash, also on sundays, no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
No car to wash, I never liked sundays anyways...
Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate nothing so childish
I think we all do, sometimes.
At a better pace, slower and more calculated, no chance of escape
If only I was so careful..
Now self-employed, concerned, but powerless
Employment is futile for the time being.
An empowered and informed member of society, pragmatism not idealism
Generally speaking, the rose is either red or it is not.
Will not cry in public, less chance of illness, tires that grip in the wet
I violate this one this most.
Shot of baby strapped in back seat, a good memory still cries at a good film
Reminds me of good days long past..
Still kisses with saliva, no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick
I am the cat tied to a stick.
Thats driven into frozen winter shit, the ability to laugh at weakness
I disagree.
Calm fitter, healthier and more productive a pig in a cage on antibiotics
calm..fitter, healthier and more productive.
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my penis
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| Finally. |
[08 Aug 2007|12:28am] |
The moment *some of you have been waiting for.
I got those fucking pictures scanned.
Have fun.
By the way, theyre dark and the scanner was poop.. cos it made them dark and
grainy lookin. But it gives them character = )
Bathurst bridge/home (Toronto)
( OMG TRAIN HOPPING! )
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1 comment|my penis
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| yep |
[05 Aug 2007|06:19pm] |
Nothing much has happened since I last wrote..
Cant entirely remember.. the joys of being behind in writting about
stuff.. especially with a life as exciting as mine. Anyways, been
watchin Cari's house all weekend with Josh, along with her dog Snoopy.
She went to some court issued retreat for the past 3 days. She'll be
comin back today at around 6. We even cleaned her house so she better
buy us a 12 pack!
Or at least we hope. Oh, I got a laptop in the mail yesterday (dunno if
I mentioned that). Granny sent it.. good stuff, picked up free internet
signals at Tim Hortons and ate free chili..
They just got their net hooked up here too (literally about 10 minutes
ago).. so thats cool.... I guess.
Josh is a bitch .. haha
Oh yeah and uhh.. Ive been eating lots of ramen. Lots and lots of ramen.
Yesterday I took a shower.. or no it was the day before that one.
We rolled a little roach into a smoke and watched this movie Cari has..
its awesome. Thats about it I guess... too lazy to write more..
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| F0t0z |
[30 Jul 2007|10:18am] |
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defiance ohio |
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My last three days as a traveling hobo. This trip lasted 42 days.
c'est JAMIE!
( BIENVENUE! )
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3 comments|my penis
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| Gosh Darn it |
[30 Jul 2007|09:02am] |
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its time for some _________ bullshit.
So traveling came to an unexpected halt.
Im not writing this for anyone to see
its me venting but the videos are for anybody
so pay homage to me and give them a little look-see
Quebec assault charges, deportation.. failed last train hop attempt.
Josh wants to get a job now.. Im stuck in Michigan and my only traveling partner wants to get a job!!!
and.. AND wants to get his schoolin' done.. this pising me off, does that make me a bad person?
That Mr Anti-Conformist wants to get his act together..?
Theres nothing I can do here.. he'll work and school and this and that and Ill be stuck in a house with no friends.. I know no one here. Detroit suburb.. american life.. my welfare cheque almost depleated.
I wish I could just let loose. Too tense.
Hes been sucha crabby fucking skitzo asshole this past week or so. From calling my house everyday from jail (wasnt around to get those phone calls - had them relayed to me) and boohooing about wanting to see me and talk to me. Two weeks later and I think hes finally sick of me being around. But now Im STRAND'D here in the US of A .. perhaps I should take my bags and head out west without him and continue traveling.. After all that.. ALL of that.. I dont want to just up and STOP. Hes having those problems again..
Heart problems, anxiety, whatever the ____...
W
H
Y
D
O
E
S
H
E
H
A
V
E
T
O
B
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
L
I
K
E
this.
I need to brace myself for break up. So that it does not hit me so hard.
Boys are fucked.
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1 comment|my penis
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| HAhahah |
[23 Jul 2007|01:15pm] |
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junior senior - move yer feet |
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I live in the states now..
keep in touch?
Ill be here for like a year..
livin outside of Detroit..
travels will continue.
trainhopping/traveling photos half developed.
Need a scanner tho.
Peace! -Jaela
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6 comments|my penis
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| and this is my life |
[19 Jul 2007|12:20pm] |
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feel confined? free yourself.
Im a freight train rider
and aint nothin in this world
that can stop me now..
See you on the road .. ASSHOLES!!
El Gazely
EBD MTL 07 - dirty faced 48
EBD Quebec City 07 - dirty faced 48 - clean faced
WBD MTL (failed) - 48 porch - pulled off by Charny rail cop - had to hitch hike
WBD Ottawa 07 -
EBD MTL 07 - junk train - scrap metal condula
WBD TO (failed) - clean faced suicide 53 - fell off - had to hitch hike
SBD Detroit - this thursday!!
If it says failed it means I fell off the train or I was pulled off ha.
Heading out west once I hit the states, Washington, Oregon, Cali etc!
ps pics will be up soon - need to be developed
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| OMGWTFPWNZ0RD |
[29 May 2007|10:06am] |
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one winged angel, I guess.. |
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sorry, I know this is really fucking nerdy.. but this dude killed Sephiroth in 1 attack..
didnt lose a single bit of hp on bizarro.. AND... AND he solo'd it...
Puts my skillz to shame..
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5 comments|my penis
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| Bohemians and kaiser buns |
[28 May 2007|07:33pm] |
So me and boy went to get beers and then headed down the beach. Then we sat on the rocks and talked about nature.. I explained different strange things involving birds and the such. There was domestic dispute near by .. east indian homie couple arguing about something a rather.. we trapsed near a hidden 2-4. where he emerge3d from the shadows and offered us some.. then scurried away with 2-4. Mysterious. Siping 40s inthe shaade.. When we got shiverz, we headed for higher ground. Ground with sun light to cure our goosebumps. Then we decided what we should do for food... we wandered around more and watched herons fly by. Cormorants, sea gulls fight over catch..
and a strange unknown species with a fork tail... bullied by domestic species. sun setting and hunger growing..
we set off through to the parks exit in search for something to munch along the way. I spy with my little eye, garbage can after garbage can..
whats inside? Time to investigate.. OH? a half eaten box of swiss chalet? We feast upon left overs. Goofing off occurs.. tremendously so. Then we got back to the hidden 2-4.. BEHOLD.. 8 unopened bottles left for the taking. Scoop em up, stick em in bag.iinto the price chopper we guiltily purchase 7 dollars worth of salami.. the spicy kind. then I chit chat with a yougn girl working in the bread section.. we arrange something. we're both clearly appauled by the "non fresh" bread being thrown out at the end of teh day .
She puts 13 kaiser buns in a box and I walk out ..
buns and meat.. singles and buns and meat.//.. sounds naughty.
delicious. eating onthe door step. now Im here. Looking for sleeping bag.
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